he is

he is ready. 

here I am again. always trailing behind.

learning that I will catch up and settling in with the emotions that need to run their course.

it has always been this way.

when he was done nursing. when he moved to a big boy bed.  when he started preschool. and as he started kindergarten this week. 

leaving me, an emotional heap, in his dust each time.  six years down and many more to come trying to keep up with this boy.

so thankful that life is one big adventure for him.  that he embraces the changes as they come. that he is tender with his momma as he runs ahead. that he shows me the immense beauty of parenthood as we change seasons together. 

summer, a love letter

dear summer,

you have seriously been a peach.

your bright days spent swimming and late nights filled with ice cream {seriously. so. much. ice cream.} have us completely smitten.

you have brought us so much time with each other and so much time with family and friends.

time at home and time to travel.  we have seen new places and dipped our toes in new waters.

we have celebrate weddings, birthdays and new life under your rays.

your lazy breakfasts and do-as-you please mornings have pulled us in, helpless under your spell.

hopelessly in love, we have forgotten so much of our life that used to be. what do spring, and winter and fall hold? things like hot meals are distant memories to us now. all our minds can work towards these day are the next crazy dive and whether we should have ice cream or a sno cone tonight or step out on a limba nd try that crazy sno cone/ice cream combo.

the washers know nothing of socks or underwear those are garments for another season, only towels and swim suits fill our cycles.

you have brought our boys even closer.  the memories are piling up.  hours up on hours of legos, pretend play, and reading are now logged.

we have lingered longer around tables. around pools and in bed since you've been here.

you have been so kind to us. if it would change anything we would beg and plead you not to go.  as our toes plump back from their pruned state, know that we will not forget your beauty.

we are forever yours,
the newton family

six

my g. you are so many things at six.

you are an incredible big brother. your brothers are your best friends and your favorite playmates. you think Evan is the cutest and love showing him new things and teaching him new {potty} words.

as much as you love them, you love your alone time too. just to play or shower in peace.

you are a voracious reader. reading anything and everything that is in front of you.

you are a lego head.

you are a great swimmer and this summer have become a great diver too.

you are not that funny when you are trying to be, but seriously funny when you aren't trying. making up your own knock, knock jokes is your thing. making them make sense is not yet your strong suit.

you are stepping up.  getting braver by the day. stretching out of your comfort zone. it is incredible to watch you mature. you've always taken the slower approach. been a fan of watching on the sidelines before jumping in.  these days you don't wait so long.

reading: magic tree house

listening: long hot summer day (and playing a mean air fiddle)

playing: lego chima

watching: wild kratts,

eating: aidells chicken and apple sausage and fro yo

watching you grow and mature is an unbelievable gift.  you are such a treasure, my boy.

I remember

my memory is not that strong.  sometimes I struggle with the fact that it can fail me so easily and so often.

but then somethings I just remember.  it comes back.  a memory so etched it feels as if I couldn't possibly forget.

today marks two years since that telling ultrasound with our Evan.  two years.  that seems hard to fathom.  yet, I remember.  I remember the heat of the day.  I remember driving alone to the next doctors appointment.  I remember the flood of information, the tears, the questions, the uncertainty.

I remember how He was faithful when I was faithless.

I remember visions of standing at a funeral surrounded by our friends and family.  I remember the words, the thoughts, the breath being sucked right out of me.  I remember the pain of it all.

but in great contrast to all of my worldly pain, I remember the Lord's tender care for me.

I remember the phone calls. the texts. the cards.  the love. the late night conversations on the couch. the unending support. the meals that showed up on the hardest days.

I remember the overwhelming outpouring of love and support by our people.  the Lord had been weaving them into our lives for decades, surely knowing they would uphold us in that season.

I remember his promise that darkness would not prevail.  the sweet phenomenon of pouring rain in the noonday sun reassuring me.

I remember all the things I thought I knew before were the only things I had left to stand on.  His promises were true.

the world looked different tomorrow.  my husband, my kids, my family and friends.  when I woke up tomorrow, it all so clearly looked like grace.

and sadly, that is something that I am likely to forget.  it's so easy to forget that it is all grace.  Lord, may I remember.

grace abounds printable

in a moment

sometimes during the day I have these moments.  they are just that. brief little moments.

during them it is almost like time isn't moving and the moment is soaking in completely.

it could be a sweet moment of my boys laughing at each other.

it could be the absolute craziness of the moment that sends it into slow motion, etching it in my mind.
sometimes the contrast of these moments in a day takes my breath and gives me this perspective that can be otherwise hard to find.

in one of these moments the other day my boys were needing me.  no, NEEDING me.  not just a snack or a help fixing a toy. they were needing my attention. my focus to be on them. Evan was bracing himself with a hand on my arm and trying to teethe on my shoulder. drool running. G was laying all the way across my lap while Nolan angled to squeeze in right between them. each of them taking turns in my face trying to grab that instant of my gaze solely on them. each of them begging in their own way to be seen. as i sat there attempting to show each of them that yes, my beautiful son, I see you. you are beloved and wanted and known and seen. I felt overcome with feelings of great inadequacy.  feeling like how will I ever be enough for them. for all of them. I prayed for patience. patience, as I escaped in my mind to a place where no one was touching me. sometimes the touching can feel overwhelming and sticky.  like dirty money rubbed all over your cheeks.

we all made it through the moment, happily and without tears but it stuck with me. that gut feeling. that wondering if I could be enough mom for all three of them.

then that night it happened again. Nolan had snuck out of his bed, as he does most nights, because he just wants a few minutes of mom and dad to himself.  we secretly love it, because a few minutes of him to ourselves is a gift.  as I took him back to his bed, he squeaked out the request. mommy, lay with me. as I snuggled in around him, he began to give me eskimo kisses. Mid eskimo kiss I surprised him with a kiss and he let out the most uncontrolable giggle.  with his brothers asleep, one just across the room, I was caught up in his laughter while simultaneously trying to shush him. trying to keep from laughing only led to more laughing. through his laugh his asked for me to kiss him again.  

 and in that moment He told me I was enough.

grown up

he is my guy. and he is almost five.  he can.not.wait. to be five.  he asks me daily for a count down.

what an enormous gift it is to watch him grow.  he's been doing and saying all of these things lately that seem so "big kid" to me.  the way he can carry on a conversation. the questions he asks.  the way he looks at and interprets the world.  it is all changing and it is no surprise I adore the bigger kid he is becoming.

chores are so important to him these days.  he loves to set the table, load and unload the dish washer, take in the trash cans and has even been known to surprise me by making the beds and cleaning up all of his books during rest time.  as he completes each task he beams with pride and loves to tell daddy what he has been up to when he comes in from work. he loves to earn money for doing chores, although we are still trying to figure out what chores are just expected in our house and which chores earn money.  right now he is thrilled to earn the money, but if we tell him otherwise he continues to work just for the pride in doing it.

as he grows and is able to actually complete these tasks with out much or any assistance I am continually in awe.  my guy is growing.

during some precious one on one time with him the other day, he asked me out of the blue "mom, why is it taking me so long to be a grown up?"  I wanted to tell him just how fast it really is going and that he would be a grown up before we all knew it, but instead we chat.  I asked him about why he wanted to be a grown up.  come to find out he just wants to get married and take his wife on dates.  his idea of a great day was just to go for a "little run" together.  that is unless she is having a baby, then he would drive her wherever she wants to go.

five is coming fast. five feels like big birthday. but from where I sit now, it looks like five is going to be a pretty sweet year.

belly shot

that sweet belly. 

front and center in this shot.

this belly shot.

do you remember how that belly was supposed to be empty?

void of a large intestine.

yet it is so full.

our hearts,

our lives,

are so very full.

You are the God that works wonders; you have made known your might among the peoples.

Psalm 77:14