Thursday, September 04, 2014

in a moment

sometimes during the day I have these moments.  they are just that. brief little moments.

during them it is almost like time isn't moving and the moment is soaking in completely.

it could be a sweet moment of my boys laughing at each other.

it could be the absolute craziness of the moment that sends it into slow motion, etching it in my mind.
sometimes the contrast of these moments in a day takes my breath and gives me this perspective that can be otherwise hard to find.

in one of these moments the other day my boys were needing me.  no, NEEDING me.  not just a snack or a help fixing a toy. they were needing my attention. my focus to be on them. Evan was bracing himself with a hand on my arm and trying to teethe on my shoulder. drool running. G was laying all the way across my lap while Nolan angled to squeeze in right between them. each of them taking turns in my face trying to grab that instant of my gaze solely on them. each of them begging in their own way to be seen. as i sat there attempting to show each of them that yes, my beautiful son, I see you. you are beloved and wanted and known and seen. I felt overcome with feelings of great inadequacy.  feeling like how will I ever be enough for them. for all of them. I prayed for patience. patience, as I escaped in my mind to a place where no one was touching me. sometimes the touching can feel overwhelming and sticky.  like dirty money rubbed all over your cheeks.

we all made it through the moment, happily and without tears but it stuck with me. that gut feeling. that wondering if I could be enough mom for all three of them.

then that night it happened again. Nolan had snuck out of his bed, as he does most nights, because he just wants a few minutes of mom and dad to himself.  we secretly love it, because a few minutes of him to ourselves is a gift.  as I took him back to his bed, he squeaked out the request. mommy, lay with me. as I snuggled in around him, he began to give me eskimo kisses. Mid eskimo kiss I surprised him with a kiss and he let out the most uncontrolable giggle.  with his brothers asleep, one just across the room, I was caught up in his laughter while simultaneously trying to shush him. trying to keep from laughing only led to more laughing. through his laugh his asked for me to kiss him again.  

 and in that moment He told me I was enough.