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Friday, July 24, 2015

I remember

my memory is not that strong.  sometimes I struggle with the fact that it can fail me so easily and so often.

but then somethings I just remember.  it comes back.  a memory so etched it feels as if I couldn't possibly forget.

today marks two years since that telling ultrasound with our Evan.  two years.  that seems hard to fathom.  yet, I remember.  I remember the heat of the day.  I remember driving alone to the next doctors appointment.  I remember the flood of information, the tears, the questions, the uncertainty.

I remember how He was faithful when I was faithless.

I remember visions of standing at a funeral surrounded by our friends and family.  I remember the words, the thoughts, the breath being sucked right out of me.  I remember the pain of it all.

but in great contrast to all of my worldly pain, I remember the Lord's tender care for me.

I remember the phone calls. the texts. the cards.  the love. the late night conversations on the couch. the unending support. the meals that showed up on the hardest days.

I remember the overwhelming outpouring of love and support by our people.  the Lord had been weaving them into our lives for decades, surely knowing they would uphold us in that season.

I remember his promise that darkness would not prevail.  the sweet phenomenon of pouring rain in the noonday sun reassuring me.

I remember all the things I thought I knew before were the only things I had left to stand on.  His promises were true.

the world looked different tomorrow.  my husband, my kids, my family and friends.  when I woke up tomorrow, it all so clearly looked like grace.

and sadly, that is something that I am likely to forget.  it's so easy to forget that it is all grace.  Lord, may I remember.


Thursday, September 04, 2014

in a moment

sometimes during the day I have these moments.  they are just that. brief little moments.

during them it is almost like time isn't moving and the moment is soaking in completely.

it could be a sweet moment of my boys laughing at each other.

it could be the absolute craziness of the moment that sends it into slow motion, etching it in my mind.
sometimes the contrast of these moments in a day takes my breath and gives me this perspective that can be otherwise hard to find.

in one of these moments the other day my boys were needing me.  no, NEEDING me.  not just a snack or a help fixing a toy. they were needing my attention. my focus to be on them. Evan was bracing himself with a hand on my arm and trying to teethe on my shoulder. drool running. G was laying all the way across my lap while Nolan angled to squeeze in right between them. each of them taking turns in my face trying to grab that instant of my gaze solely on them. each of them begging in their own way to be seen. as i sat there attempting to show each of them that yes, my beautiful son, I see you. you are beloved and wanted and known and seen. I felt overcome with feelings of great inadequacy.  feeling like how will I ever be enough for them. for all of them. I prayed for patience. patience, as I escaped in my mind to a place where no one was touching me. sometimes the touching can feel overwhelming and sticky.  like dirty money rubbed all over your cheeks.

we all made it through the moment, happily and without tears but it stuck with me. that gut feeling. that wondering if I could be enough mom for all three of them.


then that night it happened again. Nolan had snuck out of his bed, as he does most nights, because he just wants a few minutes of mom and dad to himself.  we secretly love it, because a few minutes of him to ourselves is a gift.  as I took him back to his bed, he squeaked out the request. mommy, lay with me. as I snuggled in around him, he began to give me eskimo kisses. Mid eskimo kiss I surprised him with a kiss and he let out the most uncontrolable giggle.  with his brothers asleep, one just across the room, I was caught up in his laughter while simultaneously trying to shush him. trying to keep from laughing only led to more laughing. through his laugh his asked for me to kiss him again.  

 and in that moment He told me I was enough.

Saturday, August 09, 2014

grown up

he is my guy. and he is almost five.  he can.not.wait. to be five.  he asks me daily for a count down.

what an enormous gift it is to watch him grow.  he's been doing and saying all of these things lately that seem so "big kid" to me.  the way he can carry on a conversation. the questions he asks.  the way he looks at and interprets the world.  it is all changing and it is no surprise I adore the bigger kid he is becoming.


chores are so important to him these days.  he loves to set the table, load and unload the dish washer, take in the trash cans and has even been known to surprise me by making the beds and cleaning up all of his books during rest time.  as he completes each task he beams with pride and loves to tell daddy what he has been up to when he comes in from work. he loves to earn money for doing chores, although we are still trying to figure out what chores are just expected in our house and which chores earn money.  right now he is thrilled to earn the money, but if we tell him otherwise he continues to work just for the pride in doing it.

as he grows and is able to actually complete these tasks with out much or any assistance I am continually in awe.  my guy is growing.

during some precious one on one time with him the other day, he asked me out of the blue "mom, why is it taking me so long to be a grown up?"  I wanted to tell him just how fast it really is going and that he would be a grown up before we all knew it, but instead we chat.  I asked him about why he wanted to be a grown up.  come to find out he just wants to get married and take his wife on dates.  his idea of a great day was just to go for a "little run" together.  that is unless she is having a baby, then he would drive her wherever she wants to go.

five is coming fast. five feels like big birthday. but from where I sit now, it looks like five is going to be a pretty sweet year.


Wednesday, July 09, 2014

belly shot


that sweet belly. 
front and center in this shot.
this belly shot.

void of a large intestine.

our hearts,
our lives,
are so very full.


You are the God that works wonders; you have made known your might among the peoples.
Psalm 77:14




Saturday, July 05, 2014

milestones




our little miracle whip is half way to one.  half way! it all happened so fast that I am certain if I blink he will be one.  so I'm swaddling him tight and using tons of visine.  I'm determined to slow him down just a bit.









although, there is really no slowing him down these days.  I don't feed them to him, but this kids eats milestones for breakfast.  he is a mover.  at 5 months he started sitting up pretty well.  the doctor even noted that he had incredible trunk control.  as soon as he mastered sitting, he was determined to move. 


when evan isn't trying to army crawl across the floor he is busy razzing on anything he can find, still soaking him self in drool in minutes.

the boys and I have determined that drooling is his super power.  he conquers his enemies in slimy, drippy drool.

he has two perfect little bottom teeth that came in right at 6 months.

with all the crawling, sitting and pulling up... oh, did I mention he can sit himself up and pull himself up?  he pulls himself up on me all the time.  so with all with all of the pulling up we went ahead and moved his crib on down. 

he is trying new foods and hasn't found anything he doesn't like yet. I can't really tell if there is anything he likes the most either.  he just treats it all the same.


beets!


there isn't a day that passes that I don't kiss his sweet, round belly and thank the Lord.  six months later it feels like the scares we faced were a dream. or a night mare. watching evan grow is a constant reminder of His grace.  amazing grace.


 


Thursday, May 29, 2014

Nolan at Three

Nolan,
You are 3!  It is almost as hard to hold up three fingers as it is to describe your dynamic personality at three years old.

Your emotions are very close to the surface.  You certainly wear your heart on your sleeve, but you also keep your frustration and anger there too.  You are so quick to tell everyone that you love "I love you" for no reason at all.  You tell me when I bend down to help you tie a shoe, get dressed, dry you off after a bath or just give you a drink.  It often comes with a sweet kiss attached.  I over hear you telling your brother "I love you, bubba." during the middle of a Lego building session or super hero rescue.  You ask me in the car if you can give me hug as soon as we get home. Nolan, you are as sweet as they come!

Snuggling is among your favorite things to do and by snuggling I mean trying to get a close as physically possible to daddy or mommy. You will push your head up into our necks so that every part of you is against us.  It is so sweet and terribly uncomfortable, but we absolutely love it.

You ADORE your brothers, both of them.  You and G are the best of friends and anything he loves you love.  Together you two love your baby.  You are proud of him and quietly (because you aren't really comfortable talking to strangers) show him off in public.
this picture speaks perfectly to the way you feel about G


But just as quick as you are to love, you are super quick to a fit.  You regularly get overly upset about decisions that you made yourself, like what cup to drink out of and where to sit at the table.  We have been working for a year and a half on communicating your desires before the meltdown screaming tantrum and we are making progress...slowly.

You have these faint freckles that scatter across your nose and melt your momma's heart.

You are fiercely attached to your dad.  You would love nothing more than to be on his shoulders all day long. Some of your biggest fits come when you are told you can't be on daddy's shoulder because he needs to do something like take a shower.  If it were up to you, you would just stay put through the shower and all.


You make random observations about the world around you and blurt them out at the funniest times.  For example, you regularly observe the entire families eye color or remind us that you are sitting in a chair or have on pants.

you picked out our spoons to match our eyes
You know all of the words to What Does a Fox Say, thanks to the book we got for Christmas and are often heard singing under your breath.

You love soccer. One of the few interests that was not sparked by your big brother.  Although, now he wants to play too.

You are starting to correct all the sweet little Nolanisms like wanting to go to Chickalay (chick-fil-a) or looking for your toy ga-grilla (gorilla).  Guess that is part of growing up but I want to remember your sweet voice saying things your own way.

We celebrate on your birthday with Spiderman, pizza, cake and family.  It was simple and quiet but just perfect for you.  We continued celebrating the next day with a trip to the Dallas Zoo.  You had a great time and enjoyed the view from daddy's shoulders most of the day.  When you ventured down, you had a blast with your best bud, Asher!  It was a sweet day and such a treat to have all of the Jones family join us in celebrating you.


You are sweet, spunky, wildly stubborn and there aren't words for how much daddy, G, Evan and I love you! We couldn't love you more and we will never love you less, Nolan.  Happy 3rd birthday!




Tuesday, February 04, 2014

just like that

Just like that time ticked right by and our smallest guy is two months old.


We are still pinching ourselves and praising the Lord that he is healthy.

We have these sweet and constant reminders of what could have been.

Like these tags I put on his blankets in preparation for our NICU stay.
They are little calls to prayer as I use them throughout the day.  I don't want this to get old.  I want to stay in this miracle.  In this place of constant gratitude. Just thankful for everything that the Lord has done in my life, including the gift of this sweet, healthy, chunky baby.


Evan has certainly eased his way right into our family and has us all wondering how we ever lived a moment with out him.  His brothers are completely smitten.  They are almost compulsive in their need to touch, hug, hold or kiss him. It can be a little much at times but is ultimately so sweet.  I have a feeling my two big boys are going to make amazing daddies one day.  They rush to help me change diapers, push the stroller, find the pacifier or grab a blanket. Not surprising considering they are learning from the best.


At two months Evan is tipping the scales at 15 pounds 15 ounces.  He's also stretching out just as quickly at 24 inches already.   That is closer to the size of a 4 or 5 month old.  Way to fast!
He has plenty of smiles and coos but saves most of them for momma, although daddy had him giggling the other day.

video


At 2 months:
15 lb 15 oz
24 inches
6 mo clothes
squeezing into size 2 diapers 
loves: milk, momma, daddy's football hold, his brothers, tummy time and bath time
dislikes: car seat (when first put in), his constant congestion, getting out of the bath 


Oh handsome boy, we are so very smitten with you!